Don't Stop Believin'

This is dedicated to Jeremy, who says I never post.

Tomorrow will mark the three week anniversary of my first brush with that ugly American pastime called “Discrimination.” Granted, it wasn’t as bad as the racism and anti-Semitism witnessed in the times past, but I still lie awake at night, thinking, remembering. But to better understand my sorrow, perhaps I should start from the beginning.

It was a lovely Saturday evening, and me and several other fellows were enjoying our one day away from the incessant scholarship. We sampled a nice dinner at a local watering hole, and discussed anarchy and socialism while imbibing many a fine cider. The evening, so to speak, was our oyster.

Even the most heated discussion must eventually come to an end, however, and so it was that we found ourselves yearning for that most proletarian of pastimes: bowling. Luckily the bowling alley was within a short drive, and we were giddy with the excitement that only comes with the game of ball-knocking-down-pins. Alas, our hopes were thwarted by the lack of available bowling lanes. So to pass the time we sat down in the bowling bar, waiting for our lane to become open and sampling several more fine ciders.

Luckily, the bar was having a karaoke night, and I decided to enliven our waiting by serenading the reticent audience with a song or two from my repertoire. I huddled with the karaoke man, selecting a tune to fit the mood. Stepping up to the mike, I felt my feet doing their best to keep me upright. The song started, and I looked down. I channeled the emotions of the hero, tried to understand her unique circumstances. When I looked up, I was ready. Taking the mike with unsteady hands, I crooned with as much emotion as I could muster:

“Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world
She took the midnight train goin’ any-whe-re”

I felt the music surge through me, like a fire up the husk of a dried-out tree. I was there, on the stage, singing, dancing, emoting. For those precious minutes, I was Journey, I was that small-town girl. There was a full minute and a half where I channeled the combined vocals of Steve Perry, David Lee Roth, and Bob Dylan. The music Gods smiled upon me, and I winked back, belching out line after smoldering line.

The song was coming to an end, and I imbued the final chorus with the tenderest of emotions. The music stopped. I looked up, as if waking from a daze. I was greeted by a stony silence, interspersed with some banal conversation. Were these people not music lovers? Where were the “bravos”, the cheering I had expected? Near tears, and somewhat unsteady, I slinked back to my table.

“The guy turned your mike off” said my friend. “He said that you were yelling too loud.”

Yelling? I was yelling? Has this man no appreciation of talent, I wondered. I looked over at the Karaoke guy. The destroyer of hopes, the butcherer of dreams. He was sitting there, like an overweight, not-Asian Yoko Ono, completely unconcerned.

Some time has passed, and I have begun to heal. The question, however, is still simmering in the back of my mind. Why? Why did Karaoke guy choose to deprive the world of musical genius? Was envy his downfall or was it pure spite? Did he discriminate because of my commanding vocals or my impressive renditions? I don’t know, and I don’t think we’ll ever know. What I do know is that there is a circle in Hell waiting for the Karaoke guy. In 40 or 50 years, he’ll be down there. There is no escape. And then, like Prometheus bound, he’ll listen to me sing Journey, Boston, and hell, maybe even a little Bad Company. And it’ll go on and on and on and on.

Sasha

The Republican Party ...

Updated (4/29/06): Updated and added some links in the pre-rant portion of the post.

... is full of crap. They won't sign Kyoto, want to open up ANWR for drilling , suspend environmental standards on refineries to increase production and otherwise butcher the environment so that energy companies can prosper and now they want to improve the CAFE standards to better mandate fuel efficiency? You must be shitting me.

Don't get me wrong, improving CAFE would be a good thing, but Republicans have been blocking it for years and the sudden change is just election year bullshit, not any real newfound environmental awareness. In fact, the proposed changes might not even do anything. I think this proposed Gas Tax Credit shows that beyond any doubt. The tax credit would increase consumption thereby fucking the environment even more and providing a windfall for oil companies and to top things off, it would increase the deficit, which of course, no one does better than the current administration (5.6 -> 8.2 trillion dollars).

I, for one, am all for expensive gas. We've certainly shown that we can afford it since consumption has been steady as prices have risen, hence record profits for the oil companies. Hell, I am even for price gouging by oil companies if that is what it takes to lowers consumption, although much steeper gas taxes would be a better solution. The fact of the matter is that, eventually there needs to viable public transportation alternatives in this country and it's probably going to take a sustained period of expensive gas to make that happen. Expensive gas would eliminate the chicken/egg problem that currently makes large scale public transportation unfeasible. We live in a society of markets and right now, public transportation sucks compared to driving because there is no demand for public transportation, and there is no demand for public transportation because it sucks in comparison to driving. High gas prices will provide that demand, and as gas approaches European costs people are going to be much more inclined to walk a mile to work or buy a bike or to wait for/demand/vote for the decent, cheap, efficient bus/train rides that are available across Europe.

Ok, I've got to get to work, but I'll go through and link to sources for some of the info in here tonight. I ranted for much longer than I'd planned, and I just noticed that this is my third straight political post so I promise I'll do something lighter this weekend; maybe some music for ya. And where the hell are my co-bloggers, slack fuckers. Jon has about 5 outstanding topics that I know of (the especially). Don't event try the whole "I was in Europe with your girlfriend" or "I work 156 hour weeks" excuses either. Don't make me replace you bastards with the Dubs.

Surprise!

Do all of these "surprise" visits to Iraq annoy anyone else? The press makes them out to be nice little oooh- look- what- I- got- for- my- birthday surprises (Suuuuweeet, Donald Rumsfeld!! Thanks Mom! He'll go great with my W) , when they are clearly we- don't- want- anyone- to- have- time- to- devise- a- plan- and- kill- us- which- they- clearly- could- since- we- have- absolutely- no- control- over- the- horrible- situation- in- this- country- which- we- created- for- no- good- reason surprises. Maybe instead of suprise visits, we should call them cowardly layovers or pathetic pitstops or something. Ideas?

More Gore

This article is worth a read.

Censorship

I feel like the blog needs a nice vulgarity infusion so here are the default censorship rules from the free bulletin board I started for my baseball league. Apparently whomever came up with these really likes the asterisk and thingies (girl thingies included). I was planning on just deleting all of these rules but I'm not sure if I could live with myself if people could just go around calling each other poonanny left and right so I think I am going to leave that one in tact. I mean, some sense of decorum must be maintained, right?

LASIK Update

I can now read the "Larger" text size in IE fairly easily without my glasses. I'm getting the other eye zapped on Tuesday come hell and/or high water.

Top 10 TV Shows

1) The Wire - Hands down, the best show out there.
2) Sopranos - Thus far, this season has been spectacular.
3) Lost - Could go either way long term; for now, it's great.
4) Arrested Development - I laughed out loud every at every episode ever made. RIP.
5) 24 - Haven't started watching the current season, but Season 4 was surprisingly strong.
6) Deadwood - A bit of a let down in Season 2. The atmosphere is money though.
7) Rome - The last few episodes of the first season were very strong .
8) Battlestar Galactica - Very hit and miss. When it's working, it's as good as anything.
9) The Office - Worth watching just for the tricks that Jim plays on Dwight.
10) Entourage - Think Cheers for new millennium. Not really funny. Not really exciting. But somehow it still works.
10.5) Boondocks - I've only watched the first 8 episodes, but they are pretty solid.

Well, that's pretty much everything I watch. Jon let me borrow the first season of House, and I'm feeling lukewarm towards it after 4 or 5 episodes. I've given up on Scrubs and Big Love and maybe a few other shows. Oh and I did watch American Idol today. It's not so bad on TiVo when you can skip to the singing. I want the old-lookin' guy to win.

An Offer

I will pay someone $20 to clean up my email account for me. I am 100% serious.I've got 6000+ emails on my local UNC folder, plus a few thousand more on the server, plus maybe another 5000 or so archived from undergrad stored somewhere or other, and god knows how many in other webbased accounts. I just don't want to mess with it. Ever.

Hmm, I think I can smell a Barget's Exclusive ... Speaking of Bargets, I just got (to use a felony neutral verb) photoshop, so I think I'll have time to create/write up the first item this weekend.

Bullet Point Thursday

The first 2 items are from the life update department, the rest are random.

• So I had LASIK done on my right eye last Friday. The left eye will be getting done sometime in the next week or so (hopefully tomorrow, but maybe not ...) The eye I had LASIK on is progressing but is still somewhat blurry. Immediately after the procedure, it was worse than my left eye is with no glasses, now it is significantly better. In fact, now I can pretty much do anything except read small print with it so that is encouraging. I'm currently smacking the hell out of it with steroids 8 times a day, so hopefully I will be seeing well soon. All told, LASIK is a pretty freaky experience, but if I can see well without glasses in a few months, it will be well worth the moderate hassle and major expense.
  
• I'm graduating in a few weeks, which is pretty hard to believe. I turned in my masters thesis last week. It ended up being just over 120 pages. My reader's first comment, "Why is this so long?" Great. Thanks.
  
• The new Al Gore movie looks great. Odds are increasing (but currently still slim) that this man will be our next president. I think he'd make a great president, just like I (and the majority of all Americans)thought when I (we) voted for him 8 years ago. Here's an article about the film, and here is the trailer.
  
• I'm not sure why, but I read the comic weblog overcompensating every day.
  
• The new Islands CD is pretty great. Here's a song (mp3 found here) that reminds me of a combination of Under Pressure and ... Hell, I dunno, something else. It's a cool song, well worth a listen. I'm actively looking for good new music right now (being half blind will do that to you), so if you've got any recommendations hit me up.
  
• And finally, I am considering growing a scruffy beard ... oh yes.
  

Ronaldinho

I'm not sure how this video can be real ... but then again, I don't know how it can be fake either. At any rate, it's incredible. Skip first the third or so if you want to get right to the good stuff.

Testing Picasa

Alexa Claire and my Family on our trip to Africa

Compton has been blogging the hell out of the new Google applications so I figured I'd download Picasa, Google's picture organizer, and see if it's worthwhile. It's kind of like iTunes in that it requires some major time up front to get everything running smoothly, but all-in-all, I like it. Plus, links up nicely with blogger so now I have an easy way to publish pictures whenever I feel like it, hence the completely unrelated Africa picture posted above. I miss that hat.

On a related note, Google's new calendar is still a little buggy, but it's going to be spiffy once it is integrated into the homepage and picasa is linked up. World domination baby.

Match Point - 5.5

Saw this at the good ole $1.50 theatre the other day, and I'm glad I did since it probably would've pissed me off if I'd paid full price for this. First and foremost, it should be noted that Scarlet Johanson is smokin' hot, but she's such a crappy actress that she can't even pull off the role as a smokin' hot bad actress that she's given here. My main complaint about the film is that the movie is really slow. It's a 2 hour movie, but I honestly thought that I was in there for 3 and a half. I liked the ending, but it probably wasn't worth the wait.

LASIK

I'm getting LASIK done this afternoon, I'm pretty excited and more than a little nervous. In fact, I've been having nightmares about this shit for the last week, which is pretty rare for me. At any rate, if you see me wandering around on the street bumping in to things next week please give me some food or something.

Update (5/15/06) - So, LASIK went ok, but not perfectly. They only did one eye yesterday, and that one is going to take a few days for the vision in that eye to improve. After it gets better, they'll do the other one, probably on either Tuesday or Friday. All in all, it's a pretty freaky experience, but if I don't need glasses ever again after the next few weeks then its 'definitely worth it. I'll update more as warranted.

Calling Dr. Octagon

“Near, far, wherever you are
I believe that the heart does go on”

Celine Dion

For my first post, I want to tell the female readers of this site just how lucky you are. Other than that whole childbirth thing, you have it easy. We, the single males, we know what suffering truly is. Getting a phone number from a girl…the act defies description. The experience is like being a eunuch at an orgy, while being serenaded by Celine Dion.

Now, as a grad student, I am typically isolated from such tragic female contact. The Passover Seder, however, brings out the woodwork Jews. We make small talk over a slice of gefilte fish. She is trapped into talking to me, which I imagine as destiny. The Seder is coming to an end, and I am beginning to panic. I bring up prospective activity leads: Do she want to go climbing? Biking? Skiing? I am shooting blanks like a radioactive, masturbating chimpanzee. The crowd is getting up, we are shuffled towards the door. More small talk. I keep stammering, holding her hostage inside the doorway. I transition from a conversation about assless vs. non-assless chaps (real topic) to an awkward “do you want to get coffee sometimes” ploy. The segue is so jarring, it makes my head ache. The silence is deadly. Several more seconds of this, and I’ll be a prime target of the Viagra marketing department.

I am back in the safe confines in the lab, the number tucked away somewhere on my cell phone. A part of me is still shivering in terror, for I know that the horrifying finale is still to come. The actual call is waiting ahead of me, like a guillotine stand set up in the public square. If only I could take an epidural.

Sasha

Giant Centipede vs. Mouse

This fight doesn't quite match the "Oh Damn!" factor of the bout posted below, but after watching this scene in King Kong it comes close.

Giant Centipede vs. Mouse

Anaconda vs. Hippo

I think we officially have the main event for the first episode of Celebrity Death Animal Planet. I proudly present to you:

Anaconda vs. Hippo

(via Apostropher via Screenhead)

And, might I add: DAMN!!!!

Bargets

Bargets is the department store my co-workers and I are going to found when we get fired for sitting around and talking about Bargets instead of punching buttons on our computers. Bargets was originally conceived as a Big Lots / Target hybrid, but as you will discover over the coming weeks it has grown into so much more. We currently offer approximately 15 items and services that are available only through Bargets. Well, technically they're not available anywhere at all since we haven't been fired yet, but that should happen any day now, so to build some buzz, I'll be introducing the items one-by-one here on the blog over the coming weeks. Check back soon for the first Bargets Exclusive.

Just so that I can have two blogs no one reads instead of one, all Bargets related info will be cross-posted at bargets.blogspot.com.

Barcelona

Here are a few of my pictures from Barcelona. Alexa and I spent 4 nights here, and both of us really liked it. The weather was perfect (especially after the perpetual grayness of Paris) and it was nice to have a native speaker (Alexa, not me) to help us navigate the city. We spent less time walking around than in Paris, since I got pretty sick the second day we were in Barcelona, but had two incredible meals, and we did one of those bus tours so we saw most of the city.

These random pillars were the first thing we saw in the city

Dinner on Las Ramblas

Alexa in the Miro museum

In one of the many parks we visited

Alexa in the Cathedral's garden

Best Paella I've ever had. This meal went from 8pm to 1am I think.

The magic fountain

A random orange tree in the middle of the city

Me in Parc Guell

I Don't Deny It

As if you didn't already know.

So now that I've been "outed," I may as well come all the way clean. Not only did I laminate the Dragon Warrior map, I still have it (somewhere). I was tired of hiding. I'm glad you know! Maybe by talking about it I will finally be able to overcome it. Yeah, I don't actually think that will work either.

While I'm on the subject of things I liked when I was little that have lead me down this dark path, I should also mention the game shows. My favorite was the sadly shortlived $ale of the Century, followed closely by Price is Right, Press Your Luck, and Classic Concentration.

So you can imagine my surpise when I came across this story yesterday about an unemployed ice cream truck driver from Ohio who won $110,237 on Press Your Luck by cheating and got away with it:

"Here was this guy from nowhere, and he was hitting the bonus box every time. It was bedlam, I can tell you. And we couldn't stop this guy. He was going to own CBS in a few minutes. He kept going around the board and hitting that box." Back inside the control room, a decision was made: keep the tape running. The half-hour show was already over an hour. When Larsen's total reached $80,000, already a show record, the studio grew silent.

Read about how he did it and his tragic ending here (these things never end well) and then watch it happen here. Incredible.

Biggest Dork Ever

When he was a kid, Jon laminated his Dragon Warrior map. Of course, I spent like 500 hours trying to kill a metal slime with a ripped up map so I hardly have room to talk, but anyway ...

Inside Man - 8.0

When I saw the preview for this movie a few months ago, I was intrigued but assumed the movie would flop. My internal dialogue went something like this: "Clive Owen, Denzel and Jodie Foster in a good old fashioned caper? Sweet! Hey, wait a second ... This is directed by Spike Lee, what the hell? He can't direct a thriller." Well, boy howdy was I wrong about that. Lee handled the movie masterfully. His main accomplishment was that he made it a very fun movie. He had lots of racial commentary, but it was all subtle enough that it didn't take away from the primary heist plot. I was always looking forward to finding out what was happening, even if I was a little worried that the ending would suck. Well, the ending didn't suck. While the twists weren't quite as twisty as some of the truly great movies of the last decade (Seven, Usual Suspects, Sixth Sense) , they were well-executed, and I didn't see them coming. Even the big Keyser Söze moment worked out well enough. Owen and Denzel both gave awesome performances, and Foster was adequate in a roll for which she was seemingly miscast. It's a very good movie, and I highly recommend it.

For each of the past several years, there have been really good, big studio movies that have broken with the traditional Thanksgiving-Christmas Oscar-centric movie release pattern. Crash, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and now Inside Man all fall in this category. With the way DVD sales are changing the movie industry, studios may be realizing that having a fall DVD release date will get you just as much Oscar publicity as putting your movie in a theatre on Christmas day. If we have another relatively disappointing winter film season and Inside Man successfully follows-up on Crash's Oscar success (It's not likely, but not impossible either) , then the early release trend could become even more pronounced. Personally, I'm all for it. I'd love to be able to see one or two good movies a month instead of having to see 15 films between Thanksgiving and New Years.

Nicknames

Not only am I a hippopatamus ballerina, in various circles, I am also known as Biff, Art Garfunkle, Uncle Fester, Teddy-Bear Jeremy and Judge Barksalot. For the record, I do not answer to any of these names.

Update (04/08) : Jon remembered bunches I'd forgotten (I did make the list at 8 am). Jackus, Wackus, Jerm, DJ Wildfire and JJ Rad.

Am I forgetting anything else?

Gun Therapy

Had a long week already? Same here. Meet my new stress reliever. It's no Geometry Wars but it's very theuraputic, especially for a shooting game (and no Xbox 360 required).

XXXXXXXXXXXXL

This makes me want to go for a run:

Syringes with the longest available needles -- 4 1/2 inches -- couldn't penetrate the fat.

Sweet jesus, and I wonder why the smallest shirt ESPN offers is XL. (via Alexa)

Bathroom Listening

The music in my office bathroom is remarkable not because it sucks, but because of the incredible variety of suckiness. There are Irish showtunes. There's that "all that she wants is another baby song." There are Matthew McConaughey style bongo solos. Poison. Classic Madonna. Bad 90s pop. And to add insult to annoyance they still leave that shit playing on the weekends. It's enough to make me constipated, grrrr.